“I can’t do it.”
“It’s too hard.”
“I messed up.”
“I don’t want to try again.”
Every parent has heard some version of these words.
And our instinct is usually immediate: help.
Explain it again. Fix the problem. Make the disappointment smaller. Step in before the frustration turns into tears.
That instinct comes from a good place. We love our kids, and watching them struggle is hard.
But sometimes, the struggle is exactly where the growth is happening.
This October at Freedom Martial Arts, our Word of the Month is Resilience.
And resilience isn’t about raising kids who never get upset, never struggle, or magically bounce back from everything with a smile.
It’s helping them learn:
This is hard. I’m frustrated. I might not get it right today. And I can keep going.
Resilience Isn’t Something Kids Either Have or Don’t
One of the most important things for parents to understand about resilience is that it can be developed.
The American Psychological Association defines resilience as successfully adapting to difficult or challenging experiences. Just as importantly, psychological research shows that the skills and resources associated with resilience can be cultivated and practiced.[1]
Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child also explains that resilience develops through the interaction between children and the environments around them. Supportive relationships, opportunities to develop skills, and experience coping with manageable challenges can all contribute to a child’s ability to handle adversity.[2][3]
In other words, kids don’t learn resilience because we tell them to “be tough.”
They build it through experience.
They try.
They struggle.
Something doesn’t work.
They get frustrated.
Someone they trust supports them without immediately taking over.
And eventually, they figure out what to do next.
That process matters.
Sometimes Helping Too Quickly Doesn’t Actually Help
This is one of the hardest parts of parenting.
When your child is struggling, stepping in can solve the immediate problem.
But solving every manageable problem for them can also take away an opportunity to discover:
“I can handle this.”
Child Mind Institute recommends giving children room to make mistakes and experience trial and error rather than constantly guiding them around failure. When something doesn’t work, parents can acknowledge the frustration and then help children think about what they might try differently next time.[4]
That doesn’t mean leaving a child alone when they’re overwhelmed.
There’s a big difference between supporting and rescuing.
Supporting might sound like:
“You’re frustrated. Take a second. What do you think you could try next?”
Rescuing sounds more like:
“Here, I’ll do it.”
One helps a child move through the challenge.
The other removes it.
And sometimes removing a challenge is absolutely appropriate. Kids need us. The goal isn’t to manufacture hardship or make children struggle unnecessarily.
But Harvard’s research makes an important distinction here: not all stress is bad. Children need opportunities to cope with manageable amounts of challenge with support from caring adults. Those experiences can help them develop coping skills and healthy responses to stress.[3]
What This Looks Like on the Mat
Martial arts gives us a pretty interesting place to watch resilience develop because kids encounter small challenges constantly.
A student forgets part of a form.
They don’t earn the stripe they were hoping for that day.
A technique isn’t clicking.
Someone else learns something faster.
They lose a sparring match.
They get corrected.
They earn a new belt and suddenly realize the expectations at the next level are higher.
Sometimes you can actually see the decision happening on their face:
Do I shut down, or do I try again?
Those moments matter more than getting every technique right the first time.
Because we’re not trying to create kids who never struggle.
We’re trying to help create kids who know what to do when they struggle.
Resilience Doesn’t Mean Ignoring Feelings
This part is important.
Resilience does not mean pretending everything is fine.
A disappointed kid is allowed to be disappointed.
A frustrated kid is allowed to be frustrated.
A nervous kid is allowed to feel nervous.
In fact, the American Psychological Association specifically notes that resilience does not mean a person never experiences difficulty or emotional distress.[5]
Child Mind Institute makes a similar point when discussing failure with children. Instead of immediately jumping to “bounce back,” adults should first acknowledge the child’s disappointment or frustration and give them room to experience those feelings.[4]
The goal isn’t:
“Don’t be upset.”
It’s:
“You can be upset AND figure out what comes next.”
That’s a very different lesson.
The Adult Matters More Than We Sometimes Realize
One of the strongest findings in resilience research has very little to do with toughness.
It has to do with relationships.
Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child reports that the most common protective factor among children and teens who develop the ability to overcome serious hardship is having at least one stable, committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.[3][6]
That adult might be a parent.
It could also be a grandparent, teacher, coach, instructor, caregiver, or another trusted person.
Kids don’t become resilient because adults disappear and tell them to figure life out alone.
Supportive relationships can help children regulate emotions, cope with stress, and develop the skills they need to manage adversity.[3]
Sometimes what a child needs is an adult beside them saying:
“I know this is hard. I believe you can handle it. I’m here while you figure it out.”
That’s the balance.
Not fixing everything.
Not ignoring the struggle.
Supporting them through it.
Three Things Parents Can Try This Month
The next time your child runs into a manageable challenge, try waiting just a little longer before jumping in.
1. Name the feeling without immediately fixing the problem.
“I can see you’re frustrated.”
Acknowledging the disappointment doesn’t make a child less resilient. It helps them recognize that difficult emotions are something they can experience and work through.[4][5]
2. Ask a question instead of immediately giving the answer.
“What could you try next?”
“What part do you already know?”
“Do you want a hint or another try first?”
Give them a chance to participate in solving the problem.
3. Notice the comeback, not just the outcome.
Instead of only:
“Great job! You got it!”
Try noticing:
“You were frustrated and you tried again.”
“You made a mistake and fixed it.”
“You didn’t win that time, but I loved how you went right back out there.”
“You kept working even when it wasn’t easy.”
We want kids to start recognizing those behaviors in themselves.
Hard Doesn’t Mean Stop
There will always be things we wish we could protect our kids from.
But eventually they’ll face a hard class.
A friendship problem.
A disappointing grade.
A team they don’t make.
A mistake they can’t undo.
A goal that takes much longer than expected.
And one day, the problem may be bigger than anything we can simply fix for them.
That’s why the smaller, manageable struggles matter now.
Every time a child experiences something difficult, receives support, works through it, and comes out the other side, they’re getting another opportunity to develop the skills associated with resilience.[2][3]
Over time, they’re collecting their own evidence:
I’ve struggled before.
I’ve figured things out before.
I’ve gotten back up before.
I can do hard things.
That’s resilience.
And that’s what we’ll be working on together all October at Freedom Martial Arts.
Where potential becomes power.
Sources
[1] American Psychological Association. “Resilience.” APA Dictionary of Psychology. Defines resilience as successfully adapting to difficult or challenging experiences and notes that skills and resources associated with resilience can be cultivated and practiced.
https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/resilience
[2] Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. “A Guide to Resilience.” Explores how protective factors in a child’s developmental environment build skills for coping with adversity and explains the role of manageable challenges in developing resilience.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resource-guides/guide-resilience/
[3] Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. “Three Principles to Improve Outcomes for Children and Families.” Discusses responsive relationships, manageable stress, coping skills, and the importance of supportive adults in childhood development and resilience.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/report/three-principles-to-improve-outcomes-for-children-and-families/
[4] Child Mind Institute. Arky, Beth. “How to Help Kids Learn From Failure.” Clinical expert Amanda G. Mintzer, PsyD. Updated May 6, 2025. Discusses giving children room for trial and error, acknowledging disappointment, and helping them learn from mistakes rather than preventing failure.
https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-learn-to-fail/
[5] American Psychological Association. “Practicing Resilience.” Explains that resilience involves learnable behaviors, thoughts, and actions and does not mean avoiding difficulty or emotional distress.
https://www.apa.org/ed/precollege/topss/teaching-resources/practicing-resilience-lesson.html
[6] National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. “Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience: Working Paper No. 13.” Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2015. Reviews evidence that stable, committed relationships with supportive adults are a major protective factor for children facing hardship.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/working-paper/supportive-relationships-and-active-skill-building-strengthen-the-foundations-of-resilience/